Learning that I suffered from a mental illness changed how I regarded myself. I had considered that my behavior \u2013 the unpleasant stuff \u2013 was mostly because, for some reason, I was just an asshole. I didn\u2019t like that idea; I didn\u2019t want to be an asshole. I didn\u2019t want to hurt or offend anyone; but I often did. And so I figured that\u2019s just who I was \u2013 a rather unpleasant, often hostile jerk.<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
<\/a>Then I learned that much of my behavior was a result of mood swings that I\u2019d been having without realizing it. I was well aware of the episodes of bleak depression. Those are hard to miss. I was less conscious of those times of anger, distrust, anxiety, irritability \u2013 those things just seemed normal to me, a reaction to people getting on my nerves or pissing me off. I learned that these episodes were also symptoms of an illness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n When I explained this to the people who had known me for years, they agreed that I was certainly subject to mood swings. One friend commented that she realized I wasn\u2019t as big an asshole as she had thought. Some of it was caused by a mental illness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n I resisted the temptation to use this illness as a sort of \u201cget out of jail free\u201d card \u2013 to say, \u201cI can\u2019t help my behavior, I\u2019ve got this mental illness.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n True, a mental illness drove my moods, and because of that I often behaved badly. That may make my behavior more understandable, more forgivable \u2013 but it doesn\u2019t absolve me of my responsibility.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Someone once told me that I\u2019m not guilty for my behavior, but I am responsible. This isn\u2019t just playing with words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n Taking responsibility for my behavior includes going to people I\u2019ve hurt and explaining to them that I know I hurt them, and that I regret doing it. Responsibility also requires that I remain alert to my feelings and behavior, and try to avoid hurting anyone; and that if I do hurt someone, I admit I was wrong and make such amends as I can.<\/p>\n\n\n\n It seems likely that I\u2019m always going to have mood swings to a greater or lesser extent. It\u2019s the nature of the beast. Because of that, I\u2019m probably going to hurt people at times. I don\u2019t have control over that. I can\u2019t help it. What I can control, though, is what I do about it afterwards. I can stop the hurtful behavior and make amends as soon as possible.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Learning that I suffered from a mental illness changed how I regarded myself. I had considered that my behavior \u2013 the unpleasant stuff \u2013 was mostly because, for some reason, I was just an asshole. I didn\u2019t like that idea; … Continue reading