<\/a>Over these years I\u2019ve had therapists and psychiatrists reassure me that this was treatable, that there would be a solution, all I had to do was be patient and work hard. What \u201cthis\u201d was changed over the years \u2013 they kept giving it different names. But, whatever it was, there was a solution for it.<\/p>\n\n\n\nIf something hasn\u2019t been fixed after forty years of sustained efforts, then it probably isn\u2019t going to be fixed. How long can I be expected to live on optimistic platitudes, bland reassurances that I\u2019m making great progress? Hope and pleasant words can only get you so far.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Forty years, and I haven\u2019t realized my dreams. These weren\u2019t bold, arrogant dreams. I didn\u2019t want fame, fortune, movie star dates. My dreams were more modest: a good woman who would stay by my side; a livelihood that paid me a living wage; stability. A few friends, a few cats, a few good times.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Well, I\u2019ve got the friends and cats at least. But I need more. I don\u2019t have it, haven\u2019t had it, and don\u2019t see that it is ever going to happen. I\u2019ve lost hope.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
When I awaken, I often feel tormented, a desperate wish that it was over, that I would die. During these few minutes as I awaken, I am at risk. If I had a gun or some quick way to kill myself, I\u2019d probably wind up using it during these periods.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
And this feeling is bleeding over into my waking life now. I can\u2019t stand this. Sure, a mood disorder can make you feel miserable, even when life is good. But when life has been bad for decades, feeling bad doesn\u2019t require a mood disorder. If your life sucks, you\u2019d have to be crazy to feel good about it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019m feeling desperate, suicidal. I\u2019ve made promises that I will keep; I\u2019ll call, talk to people, maybe go into the hospital. This time. But there will be no more promises. This is bullshit. I\u2019ve given this more than a fair trial, more than most people would ever have done. I\u2019m just about done in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But not tonight. I have promises to keep, and miles to go before I sleep.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am weary. I\u2019ve been struggling with this for forty years. I gave it everything I had. I have nothing to show for my efforts.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-82","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-symptoms"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/dark-night.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/82","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/dark-night.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/dark-night.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dark-night.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dark-night.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=82"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/dark-night.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/82\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":140,"href":"https:\/\/dark-night.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/82\/revisions\/140"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/dark-night.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=82"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dark-night.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=82"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/dark-night.org\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=82"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}